A Message From Your Government

My fellow Americans:

       I'm sure you're aware of the current and recent events that have made us, that's right, US, look bad. These include the events involving the terrorist crackdown overseas. People were angered that liquids (water, baby formula, Coke, etc.) and electronics were not allowed on the planes. I mean come on, folks. We weren't doing that to be mean; we did it for and your loved ones' safety. That's right, America. We care about your well-being.
       Other of these 'embarassments' include (a year ago) Katrina, with our 'slow response time'. Yes, we were slow. And we meant it. Those folks were POOR BLACK PEOPLE, they didn't help the economy in the least. And as you can see, many people survived. As for those who died, well...would you want to hear about poor black people drowning in their own waste while you were eating cake and enjoying your day? Of course, not if you're a real American patriot.
        This war on Terror is also angering you. I can't see why. Those sick, gutless, freedon-hating terrorists are out to get YOU! That's right. You are not safe. YOU COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT!!! We protect you, and all we ask in return is your childrens' souls.
        Speaking of which, who could forget Abu Ghraib? Those freedom-hating communist liberals were speaking out against us, that's right, the US, calling it cruel. Well, if those evil folks hadn't been captured, tortured, humiliated and killed, the things they would have done to you and the American way would be even more monstrous.
        And last but not least, the first big wallop to our face was 9/11, the fateful day that those Terrorists revealed their hate of God, Freedom, Jesus, and America.
        All these things and more are getting in the way of the American Empire's quest for world domination (at which point, we would drop American flags and Bibles on those freedom hating, non-Christian countrys, and burn every flag and Quran that stands in our way), so I need you to accept that your legal rights are being burned in front of Lady Liberty's face, but all in the name of America and freedom. We need you to post no bills, to say nothing bad about us, because you no longer have a freedom of free speech. I really don't want to sound mean, but I need you to shut your filthy, freedom-hating mouths and keep grilling and listening to Toby Keith, or else the freedom-haters will drag you to your grave with their communism and nuclear weapons. Don't forget this. We're tapping your lines, we're stalking what you look up online, whether you like it or not.

        Thank you for reading

        George W. Bush
        Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces